Counteracting Control

If you have a gift for showing kindness to others, do it gladly. Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. Romans 12:8-10

Can a controlling spouse be influenced to change? The answer is yes. But the approach may surprise you. You don’t influence a controller by arguing, nor by submitting silently. Rather, you influence by giving credit for the person’s intentions but refusing to be controlled by the person’s decisions.

Let’s say that without asking your opinion, your husband has bought a new refrigerator. Your response is to feel that your ideas don’t matter and that he is treating you like a child. What are you going to do? I suggest that you say to your spouse, “I really appreciate your efforts to help me by getting the new refrigerator. I’m sure you researched it carefully and probably got a good deal on it. However, I wish you had asked for my opinion, since I’m the one who uses it most often. I’d be happy to go with you to select a new refrigerator. So do you want to call the company and ask them not to deliver the one you bought, or do you want me to call?” If he storms off in anger and says he won’t call, don’t argue with him. The next day, you call the company and make another selection.

Will he change his controlling patterns immediately? Probably not, but eventually, kindness and firmness will lead to change. Follow the advice of the apostle Paul, and focus on kindness, genuine love, and honor. Concentrate on what’s good. This kind of treatment will likely foster change in your spouse.

PRAYER
Lord Jesus, you know that control is sometimes an issue in our relationship. Please help me to let go of my desire to control my spouse. And when I’m on the receiving end, show me how to be kind and firm so that we can develop better patterns.